Lego Names...

So, a very good friend of mine and fellow bereaved parent asked a simple task of her friends to help her celebrate her sons life. All she asked, was for everyone to write her son's name somewhere and send her a picture of it. I thought really hard of the different ways I could do this, I wanted it to be special, because her son is special and she is a very special friend. I finally decided I would use LEGOs to create his name...well after a few tries, I finally got it finished! Now to most this may not seem like a big deal, but to those of us that know the pain of losing a child - seeing their name can simply put a smile on our face. Once I posted it, I offered to make one for another friend and quickly finished and posted it. Her happiness over seeing her son's name made me think that maybe I could offer happiness to a few others. So....if you know someone, or you would like for me to create your child's name out of Legos, please let me know:)

For Gage

For Julius

Kassidy<3

Summertime....

                                                  I am very happy for the time to be at home with Russ. It is truly a blessing to be able to spend so much time with such a wonderful little boy. I am making the best out of this summer, because I had different plans and they just didn’t work out. This was going to be my first summer to not work a summer program and I was going to spend the entire summer with both of my boys. Unfortunately, that is not how things happened. I am not working so that is good, but I don’t have both of my boys – that is heartbreaking for me.

                I have been very fortunate to work on The Baby Dinosaur Project this past week and meet with several very supportive people! I am very hopeful that the room will be ready for use before school starts back. While meeting with some people, someone made the comment that I am so strong and brave. I have never viewed what I am doing as strong or brave – just simply trying to survive each day. I know the other mothers in my situation feel the same way. We are not strong or brave; we simple don’t know what else to do. I use the work for the BDP to help distract myself. While visiting the hospital in the past few days, there have been several families that have lost a baby. It’s so heartbreaking knowing exactly what that family is going through. I wish I could come up with some very wise words that would help them, but the truth is, there are no words that will ease their pain. I was able to take 8 more memory boxes to L&D yesterday. (Materials were donated by Tiffany Torres, Mary Pruitt, and Amanda Rosewarne & Amanda helped put all the boxes together) It feels good to be able to offer support to families.

                Tomorrow, Kevin and I will have been married for 5 years. I am so happy that I have been able to spend the past 9 years with such a wonderful person!!  We are leaving to go on a mini-vacation for the weekend and I am so excited to spend some much needed time together. We have had a very hard year and Kevin has been supportive through everything. I am lucky to have him. Happy Anniversary, baby!! I love you!!

                                              

                                  My Sweet Nicholas,

I miss you. I miss you more than I ever knew was possible. I think about you all the time and I wish you were here with us. Russ wishes you were here; he talks about you a lot. We love you so much and I just wish I had one more time to hold you. You are such an important part of my life and it just isn’t fair that I don’t have you.

          All of my love sweet angel,

                                          Mommy

                                                                                                                   

A few things I am looking forward to this summer:

                - spending time with Russ

                - Cooper’s 4^th birthday

                - Phil and Ruth coming to visit from Australia

                - going to the beach with family

                - putting my classroom back together

                - spending time at my mom’s with everyone

                - 4^th of July

It’s the distractions that keep me going…             

6 months...

It’s hard to believe that 6 months ago today; is the last time I held my beautiful Nicholas. 6 months ago today, I told him goodbye and placed him in his tiny casket. This is the first time I really have used the word casket when talking about Nicholas. Sometimes I think if I don’t use certain words or admit to certain things – then it is not real. Of course, I am always brought back to reality with the fact that it is true – Nicholas is in Heaven. Last week when talking to a friend, I told her that I was at peace with the fact that Nicholas was in Heaven. I am at peace with that, however, it doesn’t make my heart ache for him any less. It doesn’t make certain parts of my life feel as if something very important is missing. I think about how different life would be if he were here…in my mind, it would be perfect.

Each day has become somewhat easier, and I welcome that feeling. It doesn’t mean I want to forget or that the pain isn’t there, because it is. It just means that I am able to put on my brave face and deal the best I can. There are moments each day that I get choked-up on a memory and I think about how much I miss my baby. I miss everything about him and everything I don’t even know about him.

Mother’s Day this year was difficult because of everything that day represents and the constant reminder that my baby is in Heaven. Of course, I am blessed to have Russ here with me and without him I am not sure what I would do. He is my joy and he is my life. He is getting so big and I am so proud to be his mommy.

I came across this blog the other day and I really enjoyed the honesty she used when writing this blog. I also feel like the song she wrote is exactly how a lot of us feel, but are unable to admit. I will warn you, she is brutally honest, but it is nice hearing it.

http://www.knockedupknockeddown.blogspot.com/

This is the song written by the blog owner, Knockedupknockeddown. I am only sharing this on here to share the honesty of bereaved parents – we don’t care what our children would have been – just that they are not here with us.

"For Sure"

You might have been a bratty toddler,

Screamin' and throwin' your food.

You might have been a horrible speller,

With bad punctuation too.

You might have been a high school drop-out,

thinking school was only a bore.

You might have turned into a druggie,

living dirty and jobless and poor.

But I don't care what you might have been...

I just wish I could've known for sure.

You might have been obsessive compulsive,

counting every step that you took.

You might have been a Bill O'Reilly fan,

reading every one of his books.

You might have had issues with anger,

getting pissed off and slammin' the door,

You might have been a kleptomaniac

stealin' money from my drawer.

But I don't care what you might have been...

I just wish I could've known for sure.

You might have been valedictorian,

president of your school.

You might have been a hottie like your dad,

making all the girlies drool.

You might have been a famous scientist,

discovering all kinds of cures,

You might have been idealistic,

Running off to join the Peace Corps.

But I don't care what you might have been

I'm tired of imaging what you might have been

I don't give a f*** what you might have been

I just wish I could've known for sure.

Written by Monica

I told you she was honest, but it’s the truth…I wish I could have known what Nicholas was going to be…

Kassie

My Baby…

Another day...

       I live my life now using distractions. I try to distract myself from the thoughts of sadness. I do not want Russ to think of his mommy as someone that is sad all the time. I am not sad all the time, but I do often feel choked on the memory of what my family was supposed to be. It was supposed to include a beautiful little boy named Nicholas. He is supposed to be here in my arms. It's hard to explain that even when I am happy and I am enjoying myself - a part of me is missing. My mind is often carried away by thoughts of Nicholas. I think about how much Kevin and I wanted that precious baby, how Russ was so excited at the thought of being a big brother and sharing his toys, how Nicholas was supposed to be the final piece of our family. I get angry/sad when I think about everything that my family has endured in the past months. I know we are not the first and we will not be the last to have to go through such a horrible life changing event. In fact, I get even more angry when I know others will feel the pain I do. It is not fair to have your child ripped from your life. It doesn't matter what age it happens. No parent ever deserves to feel the extreme pain of losing a child. It's not fair to the other children either. Russ does not deserve to not have a brother. Why did such a joyous event become such a horrible and painful tragedy? I know I will never get answers to this, but I can not help but ask. I can not help but wonder what I could have possibly done any different to get a different outcome?

Right now, everything is a painful reminder of what was supposed to be...

Update on The Baby Dinosaur Project: The Miss Hope of Huntsville Pageant will be on Sunday, May 22^nd at 1:00pm. The pageant will be at the Von Braun Center in Huntsville. Pageant will be for ages 0 months - 21 years. If you would like more information please download the form

Letters to my babies…

My sweet Russell,

You amaze me everyday. My happiest moments are spent with you. I love every part of you and the little boy you are becoming. I am so happy to call you my son and I want you to know that I am proud of you. I am so excited about our trip to the beach this summer. You have talked about it everyday and I can’t wait to play in the ocean with you!! It will be such a fun trip!!

All my love,
Mommy

Beautiful Nicholas,

I miss you sweet angel. I still long to hold you in my arms. I wish now that I would have held you longer and spent more time with you than I did. I know I can’t live in the past, but it is so hard. It is hard not to think about you and all the smiles I would have already shared with you. I hope you are being loved and rocked everyday by wonderful angels that love you.

Kisses my handsome boy,
Mommy

Song/Quote for today:

Firework by Katy Perry

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you”
I am back to Katy Perry’s Firework - it is very comforting to me….

Update:)

     Where do I start? It has been awhile since I have written and I have really wanted to sit down and take a moment to update everyone on how things have been. This may be more like rambling - I just have a lot on my mind these days!

    Spring Break Update: I was off this past week for Spring Break so Kevin and I took Russ to South Carolina to visit my family and it was such a good trip. We went to the Greenville Zoo on our last day and it was so much fun. He wanted to run through the entire zoo - it was hard to keep up with him! On the way home from the trip, Russ said he wanted to go to Cooper's house. So the next day we went over to their house for a visit. I was so excited that Kevin spent extra time with us on Spring Break. While there, Kev got his truck stuck in their yard! It was such a mess!! We also took Nicholas' Easter decorations up to the cemetery. It looks really nice. Russ picked him out a rabbit, Sharron (grandma) got him a wreath, and I got him an Easter basket (shaped like a dinosaur of course!) and a wind chime. I am very happy with how it all turned out. I honestly never thought about having to put an Easter basket together to take to the cemetery. I don't know that it will ever really get any easier to do.

    Baby Dinosaur Project Update: We have had several meeting with the Huntsville Hospital Foundation about the room on the Labor and Delivery floor. A few weeks ago we got to see the room we will be using. It was so exciting to see that this dream will one day become a reality. The 1st Annual Miss Hope of Huntsville Pageant is scheduled for May 22nd at the Von Braun Center in Huntsville. We have been handing out flyers and I have linked them to this page if you know anyone that would like to participate.  (Forms) All proceeds will benefit the Baby Dinosaur Project at the Huntsville Hospital Foundation. I am very excited about the pageant and hope it is a great success!! Also, The Baby Dinosaur Project donated 10 memory boxes to the Labor and Delivery floor at Huntsville Hospital. We are hopeful to donate more very soon. If you would like to help, please let me know!

Thoughts:
   * Compassion is a word that pops into my head often these days. I am working harder on having compassion for others. I have always been sensitive to others feelings, but I don't know that I have truly been compassionate. The definition of compassion is deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it. I want to help relieve the suffering others have/will endure when it comes to losing a child. Not only am I working on being more compassionate, I am thankful for how compassionate so many others have been to me. I am so thankful for all the wonderful people I have in my life.

   *Empty arms...I have heard this expression so many times and I know exactly how it feels. I still ache to hold my sweet angel and rock him to sleep. I don’t know that those feelings will ever be gone and to be honest I don’t know if I truly ever want them to be gone. I try to imagine all the people in Heaven taking care of Nicholas and I am sure there is a long line of people waiting to hold him. That does make me happy to know he is being taken care of by some wonderful people.

   *Russ - He is the honest joy of my life. He is such an amazing and smart little boy. I am so blessed to have him. I thank God everyday for him. I am amazed at how much he is growing - he is getting SO tall!

Kassie<3

It has been awhile...

        I have choked on food before, choked on a drink, even choked on my own words before. But I had never choked on a memory or simple everyday task until I lost Nicholas. Now, it seems there is something, some trigger that does not seem important, but then it triggers a memory and my heart breaks again, as if I am reliving November 4, 2010 all over again. It is not one thing in particular that brings on the thoughts, it can be anything. I can be driving down the road and I see a cloud in the sky and my heart breaks because I will never share a moment of looking in the sky with Nicholas. Sometimes something as simple as brushing my teeth brings on the heartbreak, I know I will never teach Nicholas to brush his teeth, soothe him when he starts cutting teeth, or see the excitement he has when he loses his first tooth. Now, most people would say remembering all the things I can’t do with him and the things I will miss is living in the past and not letting myself move on. To this, I ask “How do you move on?” I do not sit and ask for these things to come to my mind, I simply am trying to live everyday to the best of my ability and the thoughts wonder into my mind. Just as any mother thinks of their child each and every day, I too think of Nicholas. I am not sad every day, but I do miss everything I had planned for my sweet son. He was going to be something great, mommy’s pride and joy, daddy’s hunting buddy, and his big brother’s best friend. Again, I say I am not sad all the time, but a part of me will forever be broken. A part of me will always long for what I thought was the final part of my perfect family.  I put my brave face on everyday and I try to make sure everyone knows I will be okay. I do not want others to feel I am sad all the time, because I am thankful I have a loving husband, a beautiful son on Earth, and a perfect angel in Heaven. I am learning to deal with each moment and take each day individually. I am still grieving and I am still working on my new normal. Although I don’t even know what that truly means. I know it will get easier and I know the triggers will not always occupy my thoughts. Thinking of that even scares me, because it feels I am getting even further away from my Nicholas. Although I know each day really does bring me closer to being with him in Heaven.

Letters to my babies…

Nicholas,

        I will forever love you, Nicholas and you will forever be our Baby Dinosaur. Every dinosaur I see makes me think of you. I hope you are having a good night in Heaven. I wish I able to kiss you good night. Mommy will always think of you and I will hold you again one day. All my love sweet, sweet angel…

Russ,

        I am so proud of you! You are becoming such a big boy. I am amazed at how much you have changed in such a short amount of time. I love having conversations with you about tractors and trucks. You have such a good imagination. You make me so happy and I am so thankful to have such an amazing little boy! All my love, Mommy

Thankful

I am thankful for my mom. I am proud to say she is my mother. She has always been there for me and never given up on me. I am lucky to have such a caring and loving mom.

Quote

There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Kassidy

The Pumpkin...

I have never spoken of this to anyone in fear that it would not last, but I have decided to share my story of the pumpkin. While I was on bed rest, my mom took Russ to Tate Farms. I was really sad that I was unable to take him, but knew it was best for Nicholas for me not to go. I also thought that there would be many more trips with Kevin and our two boys to the pumpkin patch. I asked Russ to get us a pumpkin to carve and he said he would. He had such a fun time and he even got a pumpkin for his daddy, his mommy, and his baby Dinosaur. (He is such a thoughtful little boy.) All the pumpkins were perfect and we were able to carve his and sit the others out in the house. Sadly, my pumpkin was the first to go, then Kevin’s, and followed by Russ’. The only pumpkin that seemed to be lasting was the one Russ bought for Nicholas. I was excited and thought that the pumpkin would make it for Nicholas’ arrival and I would take a picture of him with his pumpkin. Unfortunately, I was never able to bring Nicholas home and show him his pumpkin. I didn’t even come home for weeks. When we finally did come back home, I was surprised to see the tiny pumpkin still sitting on the counter, but there it was…still perfect. I couldn’t believe it. It had been 3 months since Russ had picked it out and there it sat. It has now been over 4 months since Russ brought it home and it is still on the counter. It is still just as perfect as it was the first day it came here. I think it is still waiting for Nicholas to come home. Either way, it gives me comfort to see it each day. I love thinking about my sweet Russ picking out the perfect pumpkin for his baby brother. How innocent and kind his little soul is. It breaks my heart that this is the outcome for the pumpkin. In a way, I feel like the pumpkin. I was picked to be Nicholas’ mommy and I too am still waiting. I know my wait will be much longer. The reason I never talk about the pumpkin is because I am terrified it too will have to leave. I know this probably sounds silly to most, but if you have ever lost someone so important to you, you will understand.

Thankful

I am thankful for the pumpkin, the little hands that picked it out, and the sweet angel it was chosen for.

Quote

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone

This is so true. My heart is always with Russ on Earth and with Nicholas in Heaven.

Kassie

Successful Meeting and More...

          Yesterday was a very successful day. We (Kevin, Mom, Amanda, and Sharron) met with several people from Huntsville Hospital. We got to see the room we will be using to make "The Baby Dinosaur Room". This room is so important to my family and friends and I am so thankful for all the support in helping make this project a reality. I spoke to one of the nurses in labor and delivery about needs they have in the hospital and decided that memory boxes is something they really need on the Labor and Delivery floor. I hope to spend some of my time this weekend making memory boxes to take to them. I have told others that all the energy I would have put into raising Nicholas, I want to put into this project. I want to help as many other families as I can. I am so lucky to have such a supportive family that wants to help others as well. I have had so many others ask what they can do to help. Here are a few suggestions: Donate money to the Huntsville Hospital Foundation (make sure you put that it is for The Baby Dinosaur Project) or donate memory boxes (these are photo boxes found at Hobby Lobby/Michaels and they are decorated with baby stickers and ribbon - if you just want to purchase boxes and I will decorate them that would also be helpful). I will add more ways to help soon; of course continued prayers are always helpful.

          A lot of people have told me I am strong. I don't always feel strong. I have no other choice but to live. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, and a teacher. I feel I owe it to the people in my life to try and make the best out of each day. This does not mean that I do not hurt everyday and think about Nicholas at every moment. I have told Amanda (my sister-in-law/best friend) that I feel like an actress. I am good at covering up my true feelings. Of course, these feelings do come out eventually, but I am usually at home. I try not to let others see how much it truly hurts, because I don't want to bring others around me down. This can sometimes be difficult, but I feel it is the easiest way for me. I know other bereaved parents have struggled with this and I pray that eventually we can all become more accustomed with the new life we have been dealt. It's painful and it hurts and I don't think I will ever feel like my old self, but I do have to try and make the best of the time I have on Earth. Some days I would love to just scream in the middle of a crowd, but I know it will still hurt and I will still miss Nicholas. Some days I would love to not get out the bed, I would rather just stay under the covers and pretend none of this had ever happened. Those are not actions I can actually do, but I think about them often. I really try to stay positive, but sometimes I really want to just scream, “THIS SUCKS!!” Then, I remind myself how childish it would seem for a 25 year old to that, but that is the truth. I don’t even like that word, but I cannot think of a better way to describe the feeling. It hurts so much to not have Nicholas here with me….I miss my sweet baby so much.

Letters to my babies...

My two sweet boys,

          I am so proud to be your mommy. Being a mommy is the best job in the world. It can also be the hardest job in the world. Don't think that because it can be hard for me sometimes, that I love either one of you any less. It is just a struggle to make sure I am doing my best as your mom. Of course, it is harder being the mommy of an angel. I don't think other people really understand that the need to be a mother doesn't leave when you lose your child. I still have the constant ache in my arms, where you are supposed to be Nicholas. I also worry what effect all of this will have on you, Russ. You are such an amazing little boy and I want nothing but the best for you. I love watching you ride your bike, you are my little "speed racer". I also love how thoughtful you are. You always worry about me when I am sad. You are such a sweet, sweet soul. I know you would have been the best big brother to Nicholas and it breaks my heart that he is not here with you. I love you both very much and I am thankful to be your mommy.

                                                Always loving you both,

                                                Mommy

Thankful

I am so thankful that Kevin is my husband. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband. He is such a great daddy!!

Quote

"Lord I waited to hold my little one on my lap and tell them about you.
But since I never had the chance, will you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" - Unknown

Kassie

Another Day...

I must admit that writing was never something I found comfort in. I have always been much more of a reader. I found comfort in reading others words of wisdom. Things have changed for me now and I now find comfort in writing to Russ and Nicholas. I guess I find this comforting because I don't have Nicholas here to talk. Also, when Russ is older, I want him to be able to look back and read the letters and understand how deeply I care for him and his brother. I want my boys to be able to be proud of their mom. I want them to know they are loved no matter where they are...

Sweet Russell,

          You are my light and my joy. It is because of you that I am able to get up each day. It does not matter what kind of day I have had, because when I see you everything is better. You and your Daddy are the reason God left me on Earth. You have such an amazing personality to only be 3. Last night at bedtime you and Daddy kept tickling each other and you said you just couldn't stop laughing...I thanked God for giving me such a wonderful little boy with such a delightful soul. You are so much like your Daddy and I am very thankful for that. He is an amazing person and I am glad you are like him. Thank you Russell for being my light. I will always love you! Mommy

My angel Nicholas,

          I hope you are having a great day in Heaven. I am sure you are, because I am sure you are being rocked and loved by your Mamow. I am excited, because tomorrow we will be going to see the room at the hospital that will one day be the room for families to gather when they have lost a baby. You are the reason for this room. You give me the strength to help others. I am so thankful for the courage you give me. I am still sad, but I think that is something that will never go away. I will always have a piece of me missing and I think that is what people mean when they say the "new me". This is the new me and I am still learning how to be that new person. It isn't easy. I would much rather have you here with me. I love you sweet angel! Mommy

Thankful (I am also going to include a section called Thankful - this is just to remind myself that there is good in this world)

I am very thankful for the people in my life and the help they have given me throughout this journey. I am thankful for the support and guidance shown by each of them. I am thankful for my husband and the never ending love he gives me. I am thankful for my mom and her unconditional love. I am thankful for my best friend and the amazing person she is and encourages me to be.

Quote (Just something else to help me along the way)

"You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow" Katy Perry's Firework

This has become one of my new favorite songs. If you have not listened to it, you should. If you have heard it, listen to it again and really think about the words J

Kassie

A Little Background...

My name is Kassie and I am 25 years old.  My husband’s name is Kevin and he is 26 years old.  We began dating as seniors in high school and have been together ever since.  I guess you could say we are high school sweethearts.  We were married on June 24, 2006.  I am a teacher in a local school system and Kevin works for a missile defense contractor.  Kevin and I were blessed with our first baby boy, Russ, in December 2007. We knew we wanted more children, but because of complications during my first pregnancy we decided to wait a few years. In November 2009 we decided Russ was getting to an age where he needed a sibling to play with. In March 2010, we found out we were expecting another baby. We were all so excited!  We took Russ with us to our first appointment and all shared in the excitement of seeing our new baby on the ultrasound. Russ quickly decided we should name the baby “Lucy Dinosaur”. We were not sure where this name came from, but Russ insisted this was the baby’s name. Russ went to most of the appointments with me and he loved hearing the baby’s heartbeat. Everyone was positive I was having a girl this time, but I kept telling them it was another boy. At my 20 week appointment, Kevin, Russ and I anxiously awaited to find out if our precious baby was a girl or a boy. At first, we had trouble seeing, but then he quickly showed us that mommy was right – we were having another BOY!! I was so excited; I wanted Russ to have a brother. As soon as we found out it was a boy, Russ said, “Well it’s just Dinosaur now!”  Everything looked perfect with him; he looked just like Russ and had a perfect little face. The nurse even commented on how active he was. On August 4, 2010, I went in for my regular 24 week appointment. I was a little unhappy because I was seeing a different doctor than my normal doctor. Either way I mentioned to the nurse that I had been having some contractions. She decided to monitor me for 20 minutes and see if I had any. Soon after that the doctor came in and said they needed to send me to the hospital because I was having a lot of contractions and they wanted to try to get them stopped. I was very nervous as I went over to the hospital because I was by myself and I couldn’t get any of my family to answer their phones. Once I was taken back to a room and hooked up to monitors they started giving me medication to stop the contractions. Eventually, my family was all on their way to the hospital so I was not by myself anymore. The nurses and doctors tried several different types of medications and after being given Magnesium Sulfate, Terbutaline, Procardia, Indocine, and 3 days in the hospital my contractions finally slowed enough that I could go home on complete bed rest and Procardia. This was a complete shock and I was very worried because school was starting in less than a week. Everything went fine during bed rest, it was hard to have to spend all day lying on the couch, but I knew it was for the best. Kevin and I eventually decided on a name for our beautiful baby boy, Nicholas James Whitaker. Russ was still going to call him “Dinosaur” and pretty much everyone called him that. On October 23, 2010, friends of ours threw us a couple’s shower. It was wonderful and so much fun. I was supposed to spend 13 weeks on bed rest and taking Procardia, but at my 36 week appointment the doctor said I was dilated to 1 ½ and he felt there was no stopping labor at this point. That evening, Kevin and went for a walk with Russ and hoped this would help start labor. On Tuesday night, I was having quite a few contractions so Kevin and I went into the hospital and spent the night there. We were sent home the next morning because they said I was not progressing. I went in on Monday, November 1, 2010 for my 37 week check-up and he said I was dilated to 3 and was sure I would go into labor in the next few days. I begged him to go ahead and induce me, but he felt it was better for the baby and me to wait until I was at least 38 weeks until I was induced. This is the last day I heard my Nicholas’s precious heartbeat; it was so strong and the most beautiful sound in the world. On Thursday, November 4, 2010, (37 weeks and 5 days) I was feeling really good and had finished up some laundry and cleaned the kitchen. Nicholas had been moving around most the morning and I wasn’t having any contractions. Around noon I decided to get in the shower and noticed I was having some cramping like pain on the left side of my back. By the time I got out of the shower I could barely stand up and decided to call Kevin. He called his mom and had her come over to sit with me until he could get home. I was excited and scared – I knew Nicholas “Dinosaur” was coming this time. I was hurting extremely bad by the time Kevin’s mom got to the house and she felt she needed to go ahead and take me straight to the hospital and have Kevin meet us. On the way to the hospital, I called my mom and told her I was in extreme pain and positive I was dying. She told me it was going to be okay and she would meet me at the hospital. It seemed like the longest ride to the hospital I have ever made in my life. Kevin was waiting outside for us when we got there and wheeled me up to labor and delivery. We registered and waited for what seemed like forever. I kept feeling like I was going to throw up or pass out at any moment. Kevin and his mom said I had no color left in my face. Finally a nurse came to take me back. Once we got to the room she asked me to change into a hospital gown and I couldn’t get out of the wheelchair. Kevin helped me get changed while lying in the bed. The nurse started to hook up the monitors and couldn’t find Nicholas’ heartbeat, she said he might be turned and she would get a different nurse. I knew something was wrong and I knew my sweet baby was not okay. Another nurse came in and tried to find his heartbeat and couldn’t. They told me they were going to get the doctor to come in with an ultrasound machine. When he came in I already knew what he was going to say, but I was praying I was wrong. After about 3 minutes of doing an ultrasound, he looked at Kevin and me and said, “There is no heartbeat.” Those are the most horrible words I have ever heard in my entire life. I started telling them they were wrong, that there was something they could do. I didn’t believe them and I begged them to do something to save my baby. Kevin held me during this and cried with me; we were in complete shock. Kevin’s mom was with us during this time and held us as well. At some point my Aunt Lisa came in to the room and realized what was going on. I called my mom and told her I needed her and she was already on her way. I was still in a lot of pain, but I didn’t care, I just wanted my baby. Eventually the doctor came back and told us they were going to induce labor and it would take about 6 hours before I delivered. I didn’t want to deliver him, I wanted him to stay where he was and for him to be okay. I felt completely numb.  They eventually began to draw blood, start IVs, and give me Pitocin. My veins would not cooperate and they ended up blowing my veins before they could get an IV. My blood work came back and my white blood cell count was high so they gave me antibiotics. I was given an epidural and my water was broken. I don’t remember much else during this time. My mom kept telling them something else was wrong because I had no color at all and my lips had turned gray. The nurses said I was just in shock from losing Nicholas. They told everyone to let me rest and that I would need my strength to deliver in a few hours, so everyone, except Kevin, decided to leave my room. One of my nurses, Marie, decided she would go ahead and check me and see if I had progressed at all. The only thing I remember is seeing blood everywhere and her saying get the doctor. Kevin quickly called my mom and told her something was wrong and I was going to the OR. I remember Kevin saying he was not going to leave me and he told the doctor he had to stay with me. Once I was taken to the OR there were nurses everywhere. They strapped my arms down and put a mask over my mouth. I don’t remember anything until around 9:45pm. I woke up and saw the entire room had blood everywhere and then saw Kevin sitting beside me. I asked why it was so late and he told me I had been in surgery for 3 hours and had lost most of my blood volume. I then asked where Nicholas was and I told them I wanted to see him. Marie brought him over to me and I was able to kiss my beautiful sleeping angel. He was perfect. Once they finished with me and took me to recovery, they brought Nicholas back to me. I held him, kissed him, and begged for this to all be a nightmare. They took pictures of Kevin, Nicholas and me. They made his footprints and handprints for us. I was still unaware of what exactly had happened, but I was told I was waiting on a room in the ICU. Kevin tried explaining as much as he could to me and I was told I had had a placental abruption. My placenta had detached from my uterus and took away Nicholas’ oxygen and nutrients. I was eventually moved to ICU and I carried Nicholas the entire way, still begging for this to be wrong. I was still receiving blood transfusions and in a lot of pain. They took Nicholas’ away around 2:45am and gave me medication to help me sleep. It didn’t help much; I woke up begging for them to get Kevin for me. I still didn’t believe my baby was gone. The nurses and doctors continued to monitor my blood levels and they were still giving me transfusions. The doctor came in that morning and explained more about what had happened to me during surgery. I had a hematoma on my uterus and they could not stop my bleeding because of a condition called Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation (DIC). This meant my blood would not clot and they could not stop me from bleeding. The doctor told me they thought they were going to lose me, but luckily they were able to save me. In my mind I was just thinking, I wish you could have saved my beautiful Nicholas. That afternoon a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, was coming in to take pictures of Nicholas with Kevin and me. Although this was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I knew I would always want those pictures of my beautiful angel. They took beautiful pictures of him and everything they did they did for free. I was amazed at their generosity. My nurse, Marie, came back that day to stay with us during pictures. We talked about wanting to do something in Nicholas’ memory. She told us that they didn’t have a room available to families during times like this and they didn’t have a place for families to go for adoptions. Eventually, I had to remember that Kevin and I had to plan a funeral for our beautiful baby. This is the worst thing a parent should ever have to endure. We are so lucky to have families that supported and helped us through every step. I was still very weak and receiving blood transfusions, but all I could think about was telling Russ that his “Dinosaur” was now living in Heaven. My grandmother was taking care of Russ and Kevin’s mom bought a book about losing a baby. That night my grandmother explained to Russ what happened and that “Dinosaur” was not going to be coming home with us. On Sunday night, my blood counts started coming up and I had my last transfusion. I received a total of 10 pints of blood, plasma, and platelets. I was still in quite a bit of pain, but it was much harder making the decisions for Nicholas’ funeral. The doctor told me that he felt I would be released on Tuesday, so we decided to have Nicholas’ funeral on Thursday, November 11, 2010. Kevin went with his dad and dug Nicholas’ grave while I was still in the hospital. I was released on Tuesday and we had decided we would stay with my mom until I was ready to return home. On Thursday morning I got up with a broken heart – I knew I was going to say goodbye to our beautiful “Dinosaur”.  My mom helped me get ready and get Russ ready. We arrived at the funeral home around 11:00am and I had asked they let me hold Nicholas before and place him in his casket. Everything was set up and ready for him. When they brought him to me, my heart broke all over again. I wasn’t ready for this; I wanted my baby back so bad. Kevin and I were left alone with Nicholas. We kissed him and told him how much we loved him. Russ was brought in to see him for a few minutes and he was so sweet to “Dinosaur”. He told him he loved him and kissed him. Again, my heart broke. Once I laid Nicholas down in his casket, Russ gave him the toys we had for him, covered him with his blanket, and gave him a matching dinosaur. We each gave him another kiss and told him how much we loved him and would miss him. Kevin wanted to close the casket and as I watched my baby being closed in there, it was as if my entire world was falling apart. I felt lost and completely broken. Nicholas’ had a beautiful service and so many people attended his viewing and funeral. We were given one last chance to see him before going to the gravesite. One last chance to kiss our baby, one last chance to touch his beautiful face, and one last chance to tell him how much we will always love him.

If I have learned anything from all of this, I want my baby to be remembered for being a beautiful life that was taken from this world way too soon.   Reflecting on our experience and our ongoing experiences Kevin and I want nothing more than to help others through this painful life changing process.  We have learned many things on our journey, but most importantly we have learned that losing a loved one, especially a much loved and eagerly awaited baby, is something that requires time, support, and the help of those around you. One of the ways I have found help is by writing to Nicholas. I have now decided to start my own blog to share my letters to Nicholas. I will also share the joy of being Russ’ mommy and Kevin’s wife. I believe those are the two reasons God left me here.