I live my life now using distractions. I try to distract myself from the thoughts of sadness. I do not want Russ to think of his mommy as someone that is sad all the time. I am not sad all the time, but I do often feel choked on the memory of what my family was supposed to be. It was supposed to include a beautiful little boy named Nicholas. He is supposed to be here in my arms. It's hard to explain that even when I am happy and I am enjoying myself - a part of me is missing. My mind is often carried away by thoughts of Nicholas. I think about how much Kevin and I wanted that precious baby, how Russ was so excited at the thought of being a big brother and sharing his toys, how Nicholas was supposed to be the final piece of our family. I get angry/sad when I think about everything that my family has endured in the past months. I know we are not the first and we will not be the last to have to go through such a horrible life changing event. In fact, I get even more angry when I know others will feel the pain I do. It is not fair to have your child ripped from your life. It doesn't matter what age it happens. No parent ever deserves to feel the extreme pain of losing a child. It's not fair to the other children either. Russ does not deserve to not have a brother. Why did such a joyous event become such a horrible and painful tragedy? I know I will never get answers to this, but I can not help but ask. I can not help but wonder what I could have possibly done any different to get a different outcome?
Right now, everything is a painful reminder of what was supposed to be...
Update on The Baby Dinosaur Project: The Miss Hope of Huntsville Pageant will be on Sunday, May 22nd at 1:00pm. The pageant will be at the Von Braun Center in Huntsville. Pageant will be for ages 0 months - 21 years. If you would like more information please download the form
Letters to my babies…
My sweet Russell,
You amaze me everyday. My happiest moments are spent with you. I love every part of you and the little boy you are becoming. I am so happy to call you my son and I want you to know that I am proud of you. I am so excited about our trip to the beach this summer. You have talked about it everyday and I can’t wait to play in the ocean with you!! It will be such a fun trip!!
All my love,
I miss you sweet angel. I still long to hold you in my arms. I wish now that I would have held you longer and spent more time with you than I did. I know I can’t live in the past, but it is so hard. It is hard not to think about you and all the smiles I would have already shared with you. I hope you are being loved and rocked everyday by wonderful angels that love you.
Kisses my handsome boy,
Song/Quote for today:
Firework by Katy Perry
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you”
I am back to Katy Perry’s Firework - it is very comforting to me….