I have choked on food before, choked on a drink, even choked on my own words before. But I had never choked on a memory or simple everyday task until I lost Nicholas. Now, it seems there is something, some trigger that does not seem important, but then it triggers a memory and my heart breaks again, as if I am reliving November 4, 2010 all over again. It is not one thing in particular that brings on the thoughts, it can be anything. I can be driving down the road and I see a cloud in the sky and my heart breaks because I will never share a moment of looking in the sky with Nicholas. Sometimes something as simple as brushing my teeth brings on the heartbreak, I know I will never teach Nicholas to brush his teeth, soothe him when he starts cutting teeth, or see the excitement he has when he loses his first tooth. Now, most people would say remembering all the things I can’t do with him and the things I will miss is living in the past and not letting myself move on. To this, I ask “How do you move on?” I do not sit and ask for these things to come to my mind, I simply am trying to live everyday to the best of my ability and the thoughts wonder into my mind. Just as any mother thinks of their child each and every day, I too think of Nicholas. I am not sad every day, but I do miss everything I had planned for my sweet son. He was going to be something great, mommy’s pride and joy, daddy’s hunting buddy, and his big brother’s best friend. Again, I say I am not sad all the time, but a part of me will forever be broken. A part of me will always long for what I thought was the final part of my perfect family. I put my brave face on everyday and I try to make sure everyone knows I will be okay. I do not want others to feel I am sad all the time, because I am thankful I have a loving husband, a beautiful son on Earth, and a perfect angel in Heaven. I am learning to deal with each moment and take each day individually. I am still grieving and I am still working on my new normal. Although I don’t even know what that truly means. I know it will get easier and I know the triggers will not always occupy my thoughts. Thinking of that even scares me, because it feels I am getting even further away from my Nicholas. Although I know each day really does bring me closer to being with him in Heaven.
Letters to my babies…
I will forever love you, Nicholas and you will forever be our Baby Dinosaur. Every dinosaur I see makes me think of you. I hope you are having a good night in Heaven. I wish I able to kiss you good night. Mommy will always think of you and I will hold you again one day. All my love sweet, sweet angel…
I am so proud of you! You are becoming such a big boy. I am amazed at how much you have changed in such a short amount of time. I love having conversations with you about tractors and trucks. You have such a good imagination. You make me so happy and I am so thankful to have such an amazing little boy! All my love, Mommy
I am thankful for my mom. I am proud to say she is my mother. She has always been there for me and never given up on me. I am lucky to have such a caring and loving mom.
There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were. - Dwight D. Eisenhower