Successful Meeting and More...

          Yesterday was a very successful day. We (Kevin, Mom, Amanda, and Sharron) met with several people from Huntsville Hospital. We got to see the room we will be using to make "The Baby Dinosaur Room". This room is so important to my family and friends and I am so thankful for all the support in helping make this project a reality. I spoke to one of the nurses in labor and delivery about needs they have in the hospital and decided that memory boxes is something they really need on the Labor and Delivery floor. I hope to spend some of my time this weekend making memory boxes to take to them. I have told others that all the energy I would have put into raising Nicholas, I want to put into this project. I want to help as many other families as I can. I am so lucky to have such a supportive family that wants to help others as well. I have had so many others ask what they can do to help. Here are a few suggestions: Donate money to the Huntsville Hospital Foundation (make sure you put that it is for The Baby Dinosaur Project) or donate memory boxes (these are photo boxes found at Hobby Lobby/Michaels and they are decorated with baby stickers and ribbon - if you just want to purchase boxes and I will decorate them that would also be helpful). I will add more ways to help soon; of course continued prayers are always helpful.

          A lot of people have told me I am strong. I don't always feel strong. I have no other choice but to live. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, and a teacher. I feel I owe it to the people in my life to try and make the best out of each day. This does not mean that I do not hurt everyday and think about Nicholas at every moment. I have told Amanda (my sister-in-law/best friend) that I feel like an actress. I am good at covering up my true feelings. Of course, these feelings do come out eventually, but I am usually at home. I try not to let others see how much it truly hurts, because I don't want to bring others around me down. This can sometimes be difficult, but I feel it is the easiest way for me. I know other bereaved parents have struggled with this and I pray that eventually we can all become more accustomed with the new life we have been dealt. It's painful and it hurts and I don't think I will ever feel like my old self, but I do have to try and make the best of the time I have on Earth. Some days I would love to just scream in the middle of a crowd, but I know it will still hurt and I will still miss Nicholas. Some days I would love to not get out the bed, I would rather just stay under the covers and pretend none of this had ever happened. Those are not actions I can actually do, but I think about them often. I really try to stay positive, but sometimes I really want to just scream, “THIS SUCKS!!” Then, I remind myself how childish it would seem for a 25 year old to that, but that is the truth. I don’t even like that word, but I cannot think of a better way to describe the feeling. It hurts so much to not have Nicholas here with me….I miss my sweet baby so much.

Letters to my babies...

My two sweet boys,

          I am so proud to be your mommy. Being a mommy is the best job in the world. It can also be the hardest job in the world. Don't think that because it can be hard for me sometimes, that I love either one of you any less. It is just a struggle to make sure I am doing my best as your mom. Of course, it is harder being the mommy of an angel. I don't think other people really understand that the need to be a mother doesn't leave when you lose your child. I still have the constant ache in my arms, where you are supposed to be Nicholas. I also worry what effect all of this will have on you, Russ. You are such an amazing little boy and I want nothing but the best for you. I love watching you ride your bike, you are my little "speed racer". I also love how thoughtful you are. You always worry about me when I am sad. You are such a sweet, sweet soul. I know you would have been the best big brother to Nicholas and it breaks my heart that he is not here with you. I love you both very much and I am thankful to be your mommy.

                                                Always loving you both,

                                                Mommy

Thankful

I am so thankful that Kevin is my husband. I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband. He is such a great daddy!!

Quote

"Lord I waited to hold my little one on my lap and tell them about you.
But since I never had the chance, will you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?" - Unknown

Kassie