Another day...

       I live my life now using distractions. I try to distract myself from the thoughts of sadness. I do not want Russ to think of his mommy as someone that is sad all the time. I am not sad all the time, but I do often feel choked on the memory of what my family was supposed to be. It was supposed to include a beautiful little boy named Nicholas. He is supposed to be here in my arms. It's hard to explain that even when I am happy and I am enjoying myself - a part of me is missing. My mind is often carried away by thoughts of Nicholas. I think about how much Kevin and I wanted that precious baby, how Russ was so excited at the thought of being a big brother and sharing his toys, how Nicholas was supposed to be the final piece of our family. I get angry/sad when I think about everything that my family has endured in the past months. I know we are not the first and we will not be the last to have to go through such a horrible life changing event. In fact, I get even more angry when I know others will feel the pain I do. It is not fair to have your child ripped from your life. It doesn't matter what age it happens. No parent ever deserves to feel the extreme pain of losing a child. It's not fair to the other children either. Russ does not deserve to not have a brother. Why did such a joyous event become such a horrible and painful tragedy? I know I will never get answers to this, but I can not help but ask. I can not help but wonder what I could have possibly done any different to get a different outcome?

Right now, everything is a painful reminder of what was supposed to be...

Update on The Baby Dinosaur Project: The Miss Hope of Huntsville Pageant will be on Sunday, May 22^nd at 1:00pm. The pageant will be at the Von Braun Center in Huntsville. Pageant will be for ages 0 months - 21 years. If you would like more information please download the form

Letters to my babies…

My sweet Russell,

You amaze me everyday. My happiest moments are spent with you. I love every part of you and the little boy you are becoming. I am so happy to call you my son and I want you to know that I am proud of you. I am so excited about our trip to the beach this summer. You have talked about it everyday and I can’t wait to play in the ocean with you!! It will be such a fun trip!!

All my love,
Mommy

Beautiful Nicholas,

I miss you sweet angel. I still long to hold you in my arms. I wish now that I would have held you longer and spent more time with you than I did. I know I can’t live in the past, but it is so hard. It is hard not to think about you and all the smiles I would have already shared with you. I hope you are being loved and rocked everyday by wonderful angels that love you.

Kisses my handsome boy,
Mommy

Song/Quote for today:

Firework by Katy Perry

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you”
I am back to Katy Perry’s Firework - it is very comforting to me….

Update:)

     Where do I start? It has been awhile since I have written and I have really wanted to sit down and take a moment to update everyone on how things have been. This may be more like rambling - I just have a lot on my mind these days!

    Spring Break Update: I was off this past week for Spring Break so Kevin and I took Russ to South Carolina to visit my family and it was such a good trip. We went to the Greenville Zoo on our last day and it was so much fun. He wanted to run through the entire zoo - it was hard to keep up with him! On the way home from the trip, Russ said he wanted to go to Cooper's house. So the next day we went over to their house for a visit. I was so excited that Kevin spent extra time with us on Spring Break. While there, Kev got his truck stuck in their yard! It was such a mess!! We also took Nicholas' Easter decorations up to the cemetery. It looks really nice. Russ picked him out a rabbit, Sharron (grandma) got him a wreath, and I got him an Easter basket (shaped like a dinosaur of course!) and a wind chime. I am very happy with how it all turned out. I honestly never thought about having to put an Easter basket together to take to the cemetery. I don't know that it will ever really get any easier to do.

    Baby Dinosaur Project Update: We have had several meeting with the Huntsville Hospital Foundation about the room on the Labor and Delivery floor. A few weeks ago we got to see the room we will be using. It was so exciting to see that this dream will one day become a reality. The 1st Annual Miss Hope of Huntsville Pageant is scheduled for May 22nd at the Von Braun Center in Huntsville. We have been handing out flyers and I have linked them to this page if you know anyone that would like to participate.  (Forms) All proceeds will benefit the Baby Dinosaur Project at the Huntsville Hospital Foundation. I am very excited about the pageant and hope it is a great success!! Also, The Baby Dinosaur Project donated 10 memory boxes to the Labor and Delivery floor at Huntsville Hospital. We are hopeful to donate more very soon. If you would like to help, please let me know!

Thoughts:
   * Compassion is a word that pops into my head often these days. I am working harder on having compassion for others. I have always been sensitive to others feelings, but I don't know that I have truly been compassionate. The definition of compassion is deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it. I want to help relieve the suffering others have/will endure when it comes to losing a child. Not only am I working on being more compassionate, I am thankful for how compassionate so many others have been to me. I am so thankful for all the wonderful people I have in my life.

   *Empty arms...I have heard this expression so many times and I know exactly how it feels. I still ache to hold my sweet angel and rock him to sleep. I don’t know that those feelings will ever be gone and to be honest I don’t know if I truly ever want them to be gone. I try to imagine all the people in Heaven taking care of Nicholas and I am sure there is a long line of people waiting to hold him. That does make me happy to know he is being taken care of by some wonderful people.

   *Russ - He is the honest joy of my life. He is such an amazing and smart little boy. I am so blessed to have him. I thank God everyday for him. I am amazed at how much he is growing - he is getting SO tall!

Kassie<3

It has been awhile...

        I have choked on food before, choked on a drink, even choked on my own words before. But I had never choked on a memory or simple everyday task until I lost Nicholas. Now, it seems there is something, some trigger that does not seem important, but then it triggers a memory and my heart breaks again, as if I am reliving November 4, 2010 all over again. It is not one thing in particular that brings on the thoughts, it can be anything. I can be driving down the road and I see a cloud in the sky and my heart breaks because I will never share a moment of looking in the sky with Nicholas. Sometimes something as simple as brushing my teeth brings on the heartbreak, I know I will never teach Nicholas to brush his teeth, soothe him when he starts cutting teeth, or see the excitement he has when he loses his first tooth. Now, most people would say remembering all the things I can’t do with him and the things I will miss is living in the past and not letting myself move on. To this, I ask “How do you move on?” I do not sit and ask for these things to come to my mind, I simply am trying to live everyday to the best of my ability and the thoughts wonder into my mind. Just as any mother thinks of their child each and every day, I too think of Nicholas. I am not sad every day, but I do miss everything I had planned for my sweet son. He was going to be something great, mommy’s pride and joy, daddy’s hunting buddy, and his big brother’s best friend. Again, I say I am not sad all the time, but a part of me will forever be broken. A part of me will always long for what I thought was the final part of my perfect family.  I put my brave face on everyday and I try to make sure everyone knows I will be okay. I do not want others to feel I am sad all the time, because I am thankful I have a loving husband, a beautiful son on Earth, and a perfect angel in Heaven. I am learning to deal with each moment and take each day individually. I am still grieving and I am still working on my new normal. Although I don’t even know what that truly means. I know it will get easier and I know the triggers will not always occupy my thoughts. Thinking of that even scares me, because it feels I am getting even further away from my Nicholas. Although I know each day really does bring me closer to being with him in Heaven.

Letters to my babies…

Nicholas,

        I will forever love you, Nicholas and you will forever be our Baby Dinosaur. Every dinosaur I see makes me think of you. I hope you are having a good night in Heaven. I wish I able to kiss you good night. Mommy will always think of you and I will hold you again one day. All my love sweet, sweet angel…

Russ,

        I am so proud of you! You are becoming such a big boy. I am amazed at how much you have changed in such a short amount of time. I love having conversations with you about tractors and trucks. You have such a good imagination. You make me so happy and I am so thankful to have such an amazing little boy! All my love, Mommy

Thankful

I am thankful for my mom. I am proud to say she is my mother. She has always been there for me and never given up on me. I am lucky to have such a caring and loving mom.

Quote

There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Kassidy