I have never spoken of this to anyone in fear that it would not last, but I have decided to share my story of the pumpkin. While I was on bed rest, my mom took Russ to Tate Farms. I was really sad that I was unable to take him, but knew it was best for Nicholas for me not to go. I also thought that there would be many more trips with Kevin and our two boys to the pumpkin patch. I asked Russ to get us a pumpkin to carve and he said he would. He had such a fun time and he even got a pumpkin for his daddy, his mommy, and his baby Dinosaur. (He is such a thoughtful little boy.) All the pumpkins were perfect and we were able to carve his and sit the others out in the house. Sadly, my pumpkin was the first to go, then Kevin’s, and followed by Russ’. The only pumpkin that seemed to be lasting was the one Russ bought for Nicholas. I was excited and thought that the pumpkin would make it for Nicholas’ arrival and I would take a picture of him with his pumpkin. Unfortunately, I was never able to bring Nicholas home and show him his pumpkin. I didn’t even come home for weeks. When we finally did come back home, I was surprised to see the tiny pumpkin still sitting on the counter, but there it was…still perfect. I couldn’t believe it. It had been 3 months since Russ had picked it out and there it sat. It has now been over 4 months since Russ brought it home and it is still on the counter. It is still just as perfect as it was the first day it came here. I think it is still waiting for Nicholas to come home. Either way, it gives me comfort to see it each day. I love thinking about my sweet Russ picking out the perfect pumpkin for his baby brother. How innocent and kind his little soul is. It breaks my heart that this is the outcome for the pumpkin. In a way, I feel like the pumpkin. I was picked to be Nicholas’ mommy and I too am still waiting. I know my wait will be much longer. The reason I never talk about the pumpkin is because I am terrified it too will have to leave. I know this probably sounds silly to most, but if you have ever lost someone so important to you, you will understand.
Thankful
I am thankful for the pumpkin, the little hands that picked it out, and the sweet angel it was chosen for.
Quote
“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone
This is so true. My heart is always with Russ on Earth and with Nicholas in Heaven.
Kassie
Kassie- I just wanted to leave you a little comment and let you know that I applaud what you are doing! It takes a TON of strength to share your most private thoughts and fears. It really does help just to get it all out.
ReplyDeleteI remember after I lost my best friend... I held on to a bottle of gatorade we'd shared for..... years.... it sat in my fridge until the purple turned clear! One day I finally realized it wasn't *that* particular bottle of purple gatorade, but our shared love of purple gatorade that made it special. Now, everytime I have purple gatorade, it reminds me of him and I smile. So now, all pumpkins can be special for your family. Every time you see one, you can smile and remember the happiness that perfect little pumpkin brought you.
Stay strong and continue blogging! Your stories are touching and the updates are appreciated :) Oh- btw, speaking of Russ being so thoughtful... Mom called me today and told me that Grandpa was taking her to her doctor's appointment and poor little Russ absolutely did NOT want him to go because the weather was getting bad and he told him, "you can't go! The weather is getting bad and all the doctor's offices are closing, so you have to stay." I thought that was just too cute. He really is a very thoughtful little boy and you and Kevin are doing a great job.
I love this story, thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDelete