It’s hard to believe that 6 months ago today; is the last time I held my beautiful Nicholas. 6 months ago today, I told him goodbye and placed him in his tiny casket. This is the first time I really have used the word casket when talking about Nicholas. Sometimes I think if I don’t use certain words or admit to certain things – then it is not real. Of course, I am always brought back to reality with the fact that it is true – Nicholas is in Heaven. Last week when talking to a friend, I told her that I was at peace with the fact that Nicholas was in Heaven. I am at peace with that, however, it doesn’t make my heart ache for him any less. It doesn’t make certain parts of my life feel as if something very important is missing. I think about how different life would be if he were here…in my mind, it would be perfect.
Each day has become somewhat easier, and I welcome that feeling. It doesn’t mean I want to forget or that the pain isn’t there, because it is. It just means that I am able to put on my brave face and deal the best I can. There are moments each day that I get choked-up on a memory and I think about how much I miss my baby. I miss everything about him and everything I don’t even know about him.
Mother’s Day this year was difficult because of everything that day represents and the constant reminder that my baby is in Heaven. Of course, I am blessed to have Russ here with me and without him I am not sure what I would do. He is my joy and he is my life. He is getting so big and I am so proud to be his mommy.
I came across this blog the other day and I really enjoyed the honesty she used when writing this blog. I also feel like the song she wrote is exactly how a lot of us feel, but are unable to admit. I will warn you, she is brutally honest, but it is nice hearing it.
This is the song written by the blog owner, Knockedupknockeddown. I am only sharing this on here to share the honesty of bereaved parents – we don’t care what our children would have been – just that they are not here with us.
"For Sure"
You might have been a bratty toddler,
Screamin' and throwin' your food.
You might have been a horrible speller,
With bad punctuation too.
You might have been a high school drop-out,
thinking school was only a bore.
You might have turned into a druggie,
living dirty and jobless and poor.
But I don't care what you might have been...
I just wish I could've known for sure.
You might have been obsessive compulsive,
counting every step that you took.
You might have been a Bill O'Reilly fan,
reading every one of his books.
You might have had issues with anger,
getting pissed off and slammin' the door,
You might have been a kleptomaniac
stealin' money from my drawer.
But I don't care what you might have been...
I just wish I could've known for sure.
You might have been valedictorian,
president of your school.
You might have been a hottie like your dad,
making all the girlies drool.
You might have been a famous scientist,
discovering all kinds of cures,
You might have been idealistic,
Running off to join the Peace Corps.
But I don't care what you might have been
I'm tired of imaging what you might have been
I don't give a f*** what you might have been
I just wish I could've known for sure.
Written by Monica
I told you she was honest, but it’s the truth…I wish I could have known what Nicholas was going to be…
Kassie
My Baby…
